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Old memories unfold
mood: 
peaceful
peacefulIt was just one year ago (Nov. to be exact) that I received a phone call telling me to immediately go to the emergency room because my life was in danger. The majority of people will never receive a phone call similar to this one and for those of you wondering what it feels like, I give you one word: Bogus. From that moment on and as I sit here unraveling the beginning of the end, my life has been a strange and unreal dream that I can't seem to grasp.
My first "sleep over" in the hospital was a two week stay. Little did I know I was creating long lasting relationships with doctors, nurses, and anyone else I came into contact with, for this was my first visit but definately not my last. With my blood counts in the "danger zone", high fevers, trouble breathing, fatigue, and extreme weakness fighting against me, no test could diagnose my illness. My family and friends sat with me during those two weeks and we wracked our brains as to what was going on in my deforming body.
One test in particular was conducted that brought one of the most amazing people I've ever known back to life; my brother Tommy. When he was eleven, he went through the same experience that I am now going through. He was diagnosed with a rare blood and autoimmune disease call hemophagocytic syndrome. This disease is so rare that there are only three or four cases of it that have currently been reported in the WORLD. I can "excitedly" add myself to this low statistic. I have also been added to that list of people in the world who know they will die before living the full and long life that each of us is rightfully entitled to.
Tommy passed away when he was only thirteen. For a year and a half, I watched him suffer and slowly fall apart on the inside. He was such a beautiful spirit and his positive and uplifting attitude astounded everyone over and over again. Unfortunately, the second time around, I don't seem to be holding that same attitude. It's understandable that we all deal with lifes experiences in our own way but there are times when I feel selfish for not being as strong as he was. I always looked at him as an inspiration and role model. While we all watched him in pain and suffering, crying for him, he would smile and make everyone laugh. There were moments when he had the power to take us all away from reality and to a place where that pain and suffering didn't exist.
Now, as I live each day not knowing which one will be the last for me, Tommy is with me in everything I do. Everytime I look in the mirror I see him and I'm reminded of all the times we shared together. I also think of all those moments when we were together; him in the hospital bed and me in the chair watching him in bewilderment, wondering how this was all happening and if was even real. The funny thing is I think the same thing now but I'm the one in the hospital bed and Tommy isn't here to be in the chair looking at me. He's here with me in spirit and in my heart though and he gives me strength. Who knows if it will be enough to get me through a little bit longer.
